The peace of mind from natural and pharmaceutical drugs combined with conscious efforts in meditation and yoga are an impossible combination. One counters the other. One bends the mind out of shape or shuts the brain down and the other wakes the brain up. To explore meditations that accelerate the attraction of prosperity, motivation and security simply can not progress when recreational drugs and alcohol are involved.
THC found in marijuana appears to have effects of altering consciousness temporarily. However the high is false, and imitation or facsimile of raised consciousness. It impersonates enlightenment and dumbs down the entire being... the after effects can be dangerous. Poor reflexes, forgetfulness and lack of motivation are clear symptoms. Compromised coping mechanisms lead to uncaring attitudes other people afterwords the high and a lazy carelessness come into the picture as well. All in all we might be a little happier when We are high but the benefit are temporary at best.
Now, LSD, iowaska and some hallucinogenic mushrooms under the guidance of a spiritual teacher or in a spiritual setting can enlighten and free the mind. But gross substances like marihuana alcohol and their counterparts unless used for genuine pain relief as in the case of marijuana they are not for the spiritually minded no matter how many excuses we make for them...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The awesomeness of the moment
By William Zimmermann
I stop to think about things sometimes. Allowing the moment to engulf me the motion of thought waves through my mind and the effects upon reality are so beautiful as I look deeply into the moment. The value of life and being an advanced form of biology, being human, is such a privilege. It is a sweet ride and life remains beautiful when I keep my thoughts beautiful. Finding the time for your own solace and (self respect time) and adding fun in the all forms of modern entertainment you can afford is the goal. To move about the world on two legs with money and gasoline. To be free in this lovely robotic phenomenally agile, able body to move and cast dreams and fly your life every moment of every minute of every day.
Impossible to appreciate always we visit this moment to pay homage and give thanks for the life inside us and the clear awesomeness of being a spirit human, a being who cannot be suppressed.
I stop to think about things sometimes. Allowing the moment to engulf me the motion of thought waves through my mind and the effects upon reality are so beautiful as I look deeply into the moment. The value of life and being an advanced form of biology, being human, is such a privilege. It is a sweet ride and life remains beautiful when I keep my thoughts beautiful. Finding the time for your own solace and (self respect time) and adding fun in the all forms of modern entertainment you can afford is the goal. To move about the world on two legs with money and gasoline. To be free in this lovely robotic phenomenally agile, able body to move and cast dreams and fly your life every moment of every minute of every day.
Impossible to appreciate always we visit this moment to pay homage and give thanks for the life inside us and the clear awesomeness of being a spirit human, a being who cannot be suppressed.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Releasing the darkness in dreams
I ask God to take my sorrow of my dreams into the forgiving heart of Mary as a metaphore for the purest place on earth where innocence heals the pain of the dejected, exhausted and lost souls who by their own hand have helped fate corner them into sad and lonely places where lessons are rough and emotions of fear control them. I think the idea of evil began here and is released by the forgiveness of God and those who believe in the release of guilt shame and blame into a higher good that transcends all illness mental pain physical and emotional suffering.
For those in my dream tonight I pray you are delivered to a place of peace and tranquility by the cool waters of healing and joy and the good habits and feelings that accompany it in an atmosphere of spirit kindness and relief from suffering. Amen.
For those in my dream tonight I pray you are delivered to a place of peace and tranquility by the cool waters of healing and joy and the good habits and feelings that accompany it in an atmosphere of spirit kindness and relief from suffering. Amen.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Looking for the real thing
When you can train to do just about anything and school will be paid for then there is an open book before you with blank pages to be written. It is an opportunity for change and when your friends find out and just lay there like a bunch of dumb stumps it is time to find new friends. I want actively involved smart people around me. More than ever do I want this. It is no wonder that secret societies and clubs form within society. There is simply no room for mistakes when it comes to who you associate with because it is often their inspiration and guidance that gets us through life especially if we come from families that are either useless or apathetic or worse.
I can't tell you the number of times my friends have helped me. But now it is time to get smart! It is time to think about perhaps that friends are not the people I should rely upon for inspiration or guidance when it comes to important issues like career or investing. It is time to call in the big guns, the professionals the guidance that I require and need to survive if not succeed. All I have to do is continue to inquire and talk to different schools and different people about interior design, computers, culinary arts, architectural work... etc. What I can not do at my age and what I can or most importantly should be doing at this age is the most important thing.
I can't tell you the number of times my friends have helped me. But now it is time to get smart! It is time to think about perhaps that friends are not the people I should rely upon for inspiration or guidance when it comes to important issues like career or investing. It is time to call in the big guns, the professionals the guidance that I require and need to survive if not succeed. All I have to do is continue to inquire and talk to different schools and different people about interior design, computers, culinary arts, architectural work... etc. What I can not do at my age and what I can or most importantly should be doing at this age is the most important thing.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Lemon Tree Conception
I was looking at the little lemon tree out on the veranda. I is about seven feet tall with one enormous lemon on a single branch. I looked at it perhaps fifteen times before I realized it was so large that it may have passed its prime and that it should be picked. I finally went over to it and put my hand around it and it released almost effortlessly from its branch. I thought perhaps it is trying to tell me something. I interpreted it as meaning "you can not receive a lemon until you accept a lemon." When you innocently reach out for life it meets you effortlessly providing what is needed when it is needed. Living in a created space where your being exists in the reality of your choosing sets you apart from the world. The headlines change, the reality shifts and the probable future on which you find yourself has diverged from the time-line that might have been. When you are aware of this you can set up your future by planting seeds moment to moment in accordance with your own ideas and capabilities. The only creativity required to do this is the understanding that the the future is a choice. You can fear it or own it. Your mistakes can be mourned or celebrated in a dance that honors the truths of your choices. Each day is a planting bed of possibility where you the seeds of thought and action set into motion the probable future you picked. The challenge is to accurately assess hindsight in the now as you consider what you want and what you are willing to commit to as the story grows and life unfolds. How close are you to what is best for you with all your subtle realities and truths in the present? Accurately assessing hindsight is a fine art. As you think of the consequences of a choice you roll out the probabilities in your mind and if you are good at it you catch the glitches and unwanted realities so you can adjust your plan from conception effectively countermanding troubles and taxes paid for ignorance and stupidity found in apathy. This is why the magic is in the plan. So too is the work. 80% of the work is in the plan and 20% of the work is in the maintenance of the plan if you set it up right. The future should unfold before you with few troubles. The situation reflects your current thought and attitude. Your current thought and attitude also generates the immediate and distant future realities. Negativity begets negativity, positivity begets positivity. The whole of each day is a reflection is the person you decide to become RIGHT NOW. As the moments compile your future be sure to program them for a good one.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Hope through fiction...
Breakthrough:
Knowing what I know about the character named Picard in Gene Rodenberry’s Star Trek series I believe I can manage to bridge my essence with that of the character with whom I identify so completely. I believe that should I use this character as a template that I can begin a recovery or a more complete remission of psychiatric difficulty if I start with one single idea.
Who would Picard be broken? And what would Picard do with this disability?
Leadership is a lonely road. But until one achieves the status and authority of leadership one can learn from icons designed to better the average man if not the broken tempest tossed victims of life in the 21st century.
There is no reason to fear when courage and love displace it. Prosperity in the 24th century is on its way and translates in my experience to the grace and the goodness found in the Social Security Act where I am given a home, food and transportation. After that it is what “we make of ourselves” it is the improvement and service to humanity that counts.
The first act of service to humanity should be to begin reconstructing my psyche. I must be cunning and ruthlessly intelligent when ever and where ever there is a genuine opportunity. I must take on the integrity of Picard and not deceive myself or take on unrealistic expectations, but rather do as much as I can with what I have while I find a reason to live as I break through the confines of my disability by way of the faith, good will and integrity of the template Jean Luc Picard – a character on a TV show.
I know reading the great works of the greatest thinkers in history might give me a better example of a reality based person to emulate but in my small world I do not comprehend the minds of men like Napoleon, Mussolini or Alexander the Great. But I can relate to a fictional character and position myself to emulate him enough to get traction against this terrible depression disease.
Knowing what I know about the character named Picard in Gene Rodenberry’s Star Trek series I believe I can manage to bridge my essence with that of the character with whom I identify so completely. I believe that should I use this character as a template that I can begin a recovery or a more complete remission of psychiatric difficulty if I start with one single idea.
Who would Picard be broken? And what would Picard do with this disability?
Leadership is a lonely road. But until one achieves the status and authority of leadership one can learn from icons designed to better the average man if not the broken tempest tossed victims of life in the 21st century.
There is no reason to fear when courage and love displace it. Prosperity in the 24th century is on its way and translates in my experience to the grace and the goodness found in the Social Security Act where I am given a home, food and transportation. After that it is what “we make of ourselves” it is the improvement and service to humanity that counts.
The first act of service to humanity should be to begin reconstructing my psyche. I must be cunning and ruthlessly intelligent when ever and where ever there is a genuine opportunity. I must take on the integrity of Picard and not deceive myself or take on unrealistic expectations, but rather do as much as I can with what I have while I find a reason to live as I break through the confines of my disability by way of the faith, good will and integrity of the template Jean Luc Picard – a character on a TV show.
I know reading the great works of the greatest thinkers in history might give me a better example of a reality based person to emulate but in my small world I do not comprehend the minds of men like Napoleon, Mussolini or Alexander the Great. But I can relate to a fictional character and position myself to emulate him enough to get traction against this terrible depression disease.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Forgiveness work made effective... an idea
I wonder if I could combine forgiveness work with paragliding? Could you imagine a better experience or environment for forgiveness than as you take off the ground? You would have to have some expertise before hand but after you are trained you could do the forgiveness work in a alternate reality place of joy and exhilaration. Just a thought.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Advice from beyond as I we discover why we exist...
HERE is the entire text from which the following was extracted.
Inspired art will permit you, Earthling, some fleeing glimpses into the beauty of the spirit, whose sensations you are occasionally allowed to grasp for yourself. It is absolutely essential, therefore, that you be of an animated, easygoing and relaxed nature. From this link.
man must help his own, highest Being to victory
Therefore be perpetually and humbly attentive
to your personal progress, but only in a righteous manner,
because integrity is the only, truly positive possession
you have as a human being in these changing times.
And love is the true essence of Creation;
it will endure for ur-eternity and all Great Times
beyond every conceivable hardship and disappointment.
The Seven Steps of Education: English & German
The world’s happenings are dependent on thoughts.
I) At first the human must seek the truth, find it, gain knowledge from it and expand on it. I) Als erstes muss der Mensch die Wahrheit suchen und finden und daraus das Wissen lernen und erweitern.
II) As second step the human must correct his thoughts in a controlling manner and align them with the truth of his gained knowledge. II)Als zweites muss der Mensch seine Gedanken kontollierend korrigieren und auf die Wahrheit seines erlangten Wissens ausrichten.
III) As third step the human must, through his knowledge and his thoughts, create his inner harmony. III) Als drittes muss der Mensch durch sein Wissen und durch seine Gedanken seine innere Harmonie erschaffen.
IV) As fourth step the human must, based on his inner harmony, correct, straighten out, form and harmonise his own character. IV)Als viertes muss der Mensch aus seiner inneren Harmonie hervorgehend seine eigene Persönlichkeit korrigieren, orden, formen, und harmonisieren.
V) As fifth step the human must correct, straighten out, form and harmonise his direct environment, his family life and relatives' life. V) Als fünftes muss der Mensch seine direkte Umgebung, sein Familien- und Verwandtschaftleben korrigieren, ordnen, formen und harmonisieren.
VI) As sixth step the human must correct, straighten out, form and harmonise his near environment of friends, mates and acquaintances. VI) Als sechstes muss der Mensch seine nähere Umwelt der Freunde, Kameraden und Bekannten korrigieren, orden, formen, und harmonisieren.
VII) As seventh step the human is then capable to correct, to straighten out, to form, to harmonise and to lead a group of humans, the mass of humanity, the state and the world in a wise, humane and creational-just and law-like way.
Inspired art will permit you, Earthling, some fleeing glimpses into the beauty of the spirit, whose sensations you are occasionally allowed to grasp for yourself. It is absolutely essential, therefore, that you be of an animated, easygoing and relaxed nature. From this link.
man must help his own, highest Being to victory
Therefore be perpetually and humbly attentive
to your personal progress, but only in a righteous manner,
because integrity is the only, truly positive possession
you have as a human being in these changing times.
And love is the true essence of Creation;
it will endure for ur-eternity and all Great Times
beyond every conceivable hardship and disappointment.
The Seven Steps of Education: English & German
The world’s happenings are dependent on thoughts.
I) At first the human must seek the truth, find it, gain knowledge from it and expand on it. I) Als erstes muss der Mensch die Wahrheit suchen und finden und daraus das Wissen lernen und erweitern.
II) As second step the human must correct his thoughts in a controlling manner and align them with the truth of his gained knowledge. II)Als zweites muss der Mensch seine Gedanken kontollierend korrigieren und auf die Wahrheit seines erlangten Wissens ausrichten.
III) As third step the human must, through his knowledge and his thoughts, create his inner harmony. III) Als drittes muss der Mensch durch sein Wissen und durch seine Gedanken seine innere Harmonie erschaffen.
IV) As fourth step the human must, based on his inner harmony, correct, straighten out, form and harmonise his own character. IV)Als viertes muss der Mensch aus seiner inneren Harmonie hervorgehend seine eigene Persönlichkeit korrigieren, orden, formen, und harmonisieren.
V) As fifth step the human must correct, straighten out, form and harmonise his direct environment, his family life and relatives' life. V) Als fünftes muss der Mensch seine direkte Umgebung, sein Familien- und Verwandtschaftleben korrigieren, ordnen, formen und harmonisieren.
VI) As sixth step the human must correct, straighten out, form and harmonise his near environment of friends, mates and acquaintances. VI) Als sechstes muss der Mensch seine nähere Umwelt der Freunde, Kameraden und Bekannten korrigieren, orden, formen, und harmonisieren.
VII) As seventh step the human is then capable to correct, to straighten out, to form, to harmonise and to lead a group of humans, the mass of humanity, the state and the world in a wise, humane and creational-just and law-like way.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I dreamed I was shot
This morning I dreamed that I was sitting at a park bench at night. The park was located at the beginning of a landing strip where airplanes can be seen flying very low just above you. In the dream a plane had appeared like a dark shadow on a lighter but still nighttime sky then disappeared as it landed. I got a feeling something bad was about to happen when I heard a person approach me. I knew this person was up to no good and I turned to him stood up and he shot me. I noticed that the bullet passed over my right shoulder. He went to pull the trigger again and I forced myself to wake up. In the twilight (half awake and half asleep) dreaming state the ensued I hypothesized how fear would have gotten me killed. I ran different scenarios in my mind on the virtue of fearlessness and why, if I were to freeze with fear and become immobile that I would certainly die. This is when I understood that I was to run and become a "hard to hit" moving target. I never entered the dream where the shooter was pulling the trigger, but rather I remained in the twilight state hypothesizing different scenario's of escaping the death of a gunman bent on killing me. On a dream analysis website it said:
To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. Alternatively, the dream refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits."
"To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
It is the truth not PC at all...
I am not really fond of anyone in my world right now. As I get to know people I am confronted with their demons desires (however perverse) and bad habits. Essentially when I am confronted with their imperfections and depending on how bad they are I find myself distancing myself from them when I realize they have little or nothing to offer.
Having my own imperfections I make sure they remain modest and I am terribly proud to say I have slayed the worst of my bad habits but cognitive distortions plague me as I walk through reality observing it through mental filters like "black and white thinking" or "emotional reasoning."
I tire easily of people, even friends old and new who mess with my head money or do not encourage my potential success. I might not dismiss any acquaintance completely or I would have no friends at all. But focusing on friends who encourage embolden and inspire me to reach into the world and take risks are the kind of people I want to know. Wasting my time with the rest is just that - a waste of time.
That's all.
Having my own imperfections I make sure they remain modest and I am terribly proud to say I have slayed the worst of my bad habits but cognitive distortions plague me as I walk through reality observing it through mental filters like "black and white thinking" or "emotional reasoning."
I tire easily of people, even friends old and new who mess with my head money or do not encourage my potential success. I might not dismiss any acquaintance completely or I would have no friends at all. But focusing on friends who encourage embolden and inspire me to reach into the world and take risks are the kind of people I want to know. Wasting my time with the rest is just that - a waste of time.
That's all.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
It is so hard when I see a truly beautiful man like the guy who always sits in the same seat at the Urban Grind coffee house. He's so lovely I can hardly stand it. But he is out of my league and even though I do muster a smile from him from time to time I am certain he would not want to date me. I am depressed tonight. Feeling the weight of the world. Even just cleaning this house is ten times harder than it should be, but that is how depression works. I don't want to move once I am home so I probably need to spend more time outside moving my body and getting my blood moving. I don't want to be that "loser guy" that is always seen on his bike at the same place and same time or at the same coffee house doing the same thing. And I don't want to be that mysterious guy seen out in public with too much time - clearly not working and judged as odd or clearly on disability or "retired." And then I think why should I care what people think? Am I concerned with non-existent thoughts people have? I can hang out where ever I want. It is my life and I seriously doubt people notice me or judge me in this way. Quite often I want to please society even when there is nobody observing what it is that I am doing to please them. This is a recent realization. Depression works that way. Making cell phone calls to "nobody" is a meditation in who I would like to become, talking to people about important issues and making up scenarios that might have been if I had not experienced the traumas and succumbed to depression and the poverty mentality one develops when one does not have to work "to survive" when disability income takes away the recurring eminent threat of poverty or homelessness.
What ever the situation, and who ever I am "being" any given day at any given time is my business. I can do what ever I please. Freedom is far more available that I think. Quite often I imprison myself by simply being lazy or by allowing low-self-worth to stop me from demanding better for myself. The prison is in my mind. That is why, when I change my outlook by laying in the sun I think more in terms of possibility than when I remain in regular habits like staying indoors and watching TV or playing on the computer. The shifts are small but significant when I am inspired by sunshine grass and doing yoga outside in my back yard. I have time and the luxury of privacy and no commitments to any one person, no live-in lover for whom I am responsible. So life "is good" from this perspective. I have made choices based on my personality preferences and tolerances. If I can't tolerate the daily drama in the life of a person with whom I am living then I should not be living with people. My experience and expertise managing an intimate relationship is limited. (break)
It is not okay allow myself the self indulgent luxury to deny opportunity based on depression, false depression or the excuse "I am depressed." It becomes a catch all excuse for bad behavior that is quickly dismissed not only by me myself but also by therapists. They don't catch the caper. The don't nail the con artist. And they do not hold me accountable. In truth I am the only one who can change my habits goals and directives. I am the only one who can hold myself accountable to be responsive to the opportunities that present themselves. The world is truly "my oyster" but I must get out the oyster knife, put on heavy gloves and pry the oyster open. It only opens on its own in beautiful dreams and in the movies. In reality you have to pry the sucker open and take the pearl out after a messy thrashing to get it open.
End.
What ever the situation, and who ever I am "being" any given day at any given time is my business. I can do what ever I please. Freedom is far more available that I think. Quite often I imprison myself by simply being lazy or by allowing low-self-worth to stop me from demanding better for myself. The prison is in my mind. That is why, when I change my outlook by laying in the sun I think more in terms of possibility than when I remain in regular habits like staying indoors and watching TV or playing on the computer. The shifts are small but significant when I am inspired by sunshine grass and doing yoga outside in my back yard. I have time and the luxury of privacy and no commitments to any one person, no live-in lover for whom I am responsible. So life "is good" from this perspective. I have made choices based on my personality preferences and tolerances. If I can't tolerate the daily drama in the life of a person with whom I am living then I should not be living with people. My experience and expertise managing an intimate relationship is limited. (break)
It is not okay allow myself the self indulgent luxury to deny opportunity based on depression, false depression or the excuse "I am depressed." It becomes a catch all excuse for bad behavior that is quickly dismissed not only by me myself but also by therapists. They don't catch the caper. The don't nail the con artist. And they do not hold me accountable. In truth I am the only one who can change my habits goals and directives. I am the only one who can hold myself accountable to be responsive to the opportunities that present themselves. The world is truly "my oyster" but I must get out the oyster knife, put on heavy gloves and pry the oyster open. It only opens on its own in beautiful dreams and in the movies. In reality you have to pry the sucker open and take the pearl out after a messy thrashing to get it open.
End.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Research on carreer goals
With the current plummeting home values, you might think that now is not the best time to fork out extra money on home staging to sell your house that's going on the market. There are two ways that you can go about this, depending on how much you can afford to spend; you can either stage your home yourself or you can hire an expert.
If you stage your home yourself, you can find a lot of information in books on the subject and on the internet. Or, for a nominal fee, you might be able to get some suggestions from a professional home stager to guide you along.
A professional stager will guide you in home clean up, repainting, renting furniture that shows off your rooms to their best advantage, and accessorising your home to make it look like a show home. If the home you're trying to sell has furniture that doesn't suit the space very well, your home stager can even rent furniture to set up in your home to better show your home's assets. This service can be relatively inexpensive or very expensive, depending on the level of help that your home needs and what you can afford to invest in.
If you are arranging your own staging, remember that it should encompass both the outside and inside of your home; no matter what your staging budget is, your home should be immaculately cleaned inside and out. Ideally, every room should be repainted either in the same color or something more neutral, particularly if they haven't been painted in a few years. A fresh coat of paint will brighten a home up delightfully. Another good staging tip that you can do yourself is box up about half of your belongings and put them in storage; this not only removes a lot of the clutter from your home, but also makes your storage areas look more than ample since they won't be full to capacity.
No matter if you decide to hire a professional or stage your home yourself, home staging is a step that is well worth the time and money to complete. Staged homes sell faster and get the homeowner more money when they sell and preparing to stage a home entails a lot of clean up and packing away things that you would just have to pack later on so you can save yourself time later on when you have to move as well.
If you stage your home yourself, you can find a lot of information in books on the subject and on the internet. Or, for a nominal fee, you might be able to get some suggestions from a professional home stager to guide you along.
A professional stager will guide you in home clean up, repainting, renting furniture that shows off your rooms to their best advantage, and accessorising your home to make it look like a show home. If the home you're trying to sell has furniture that doesn't suit the space very well, your home stager can even rent furniture to set up in your home to better show your home's assets. This service can be relatively inexpensive or very expensive, depending on the level of help that your home needs and what you can afford to invest in.
If you are arranging your own staging, remember that it should encompass both the outside and inside of your home; no matter what your staging budget is, your home should be immaculately cleaned inside and out. Ideally, every room should be repainted either in the same color or something more neutral, particularly if they haven't been painted in a few years. A fresh coat of paint will brighten a home up delightfully. Another good staging tip that you can do yourself is box up about half of your belongings and put them in storage; this not only removes a lot of the clutter from your home, but also makes your storage areas look more than ample since they won't be full to capacity.
No matter if you decide to hire a professional or stage your home yourself, home staging is a step that is well worth the time and money to complete. Staged homes sell faster and get the homeowner more money when they sell and preparing to stage a home entails a lot of clean up and packing away things that you would just have to pack later on so you can save yourself time later on when you have to move as well.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Gassed by WalMart
I got poisoned today by the off gas created by a WalMart bathroom vinyl curtain. It also was Sky Raye's birthday.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Note to self: Down Times - No wonder I'm depressed.
I'm feeling totally mental tonight. Tired depressed and despondent and watching The 40 Year Old Virgin on the DVR. I'm 54. Not a virgin but lonely. I don't know how I am going to deal with old age. I watch my friends age. I see them begin to fall apart. And it makes me sad. I can't think or move much tonight. I did have sushi earlier. And now I'm really depressed. I do feel full and happy in my stomach but I am crashing emotionally. I starved myself today because I was too lazy to make food and I traveled to pick up a computer for warranty work. I have not had a date in years and I can not remember the last time I had sex. Not that it matters that much.
I took a Xanax after dinner so I'm tired and sleepy as well as depressed. My only friend used to be food and now food sucks. My whole life seems to be this exercise in stupid habits and the money is running out and I am scared. No wonder I do not take concern with Haiti or the fund raisers. I got enough problems. I am not John Cena and I'll never be anybody but me. Sometimes I think about suicide, but it is not something I will seriously consider unless my life turns to shit to an extreme degree. For now things are okay... just tonight sucks. I guess I should go to bed early and hope for a better day tomorrow. This is why I am disabled. Functioning poorly and feeling like hell tonight. But there is always tomorrow.
Hang in there buddy.
I took a Xanax after dinner so I'm tired and sleepy as well as depressed. My only friend used to be food and now food sucks. My whole life seems to be this exercise in stupid habits and the money is running out and I am scared. No wonder I do not take concern with Haiti or the fund raisers. I got enough problems. I am not John Cena and I'll never be anybody but me. Sometimes I think about suicide, but it is not something I will seriously consider unless my life turns to shit to an extreme degree. For now things are okay... just tonight sucks. I guess I should go to bed early and hope for a better day tomorrow. This is why I am disabled. Functioning poorly and feeling like hell tonight. But there is always tomorrow.
Hang in there buddy.
Continued Personal Education
My jaw is clicking and my truth telling is waning. I need to get a life. Lying to your therapist is the height of stupidity. But also to be fair I am rather sick of her naivete and her lack of modern training. So yes telling your therapist that you are working the system is one thing but knowing why is quite another. The fears and anxieties I dealt with in my life can not be diminished. Not in my mind and should not be diminished in the mind of therapists or people who you share these very sensitive moments with. It is without a doubt an area of self deception that you need to keep a close eye on because, as you know, you are sometimes the first to beat yourself up for being a scam artist when in fact you simply did what you needed to do to survive. I will never know if I might have made it in the real world if I had not taken disability and housing vouchers. My life had been good and stable since I did. So what is the complaint? Did you think trading stability for the risks involved with the real world of job-keeping rent-paying and risk taking would have been worth the risk? I suppose it might have been but I can not see the probable future that might have been if I made those choices. And yet the melancholy that appears in my mind when I dream about what might have been haunts me and my conscience. It makes for a feeling of mediocrity and I suffer the fate of a man who never pushed himself to be his absolute best. I also suffer the fate of a man who gave up trying.
My criticism of the disability system is that there is only a check. There is no meeting place where I can go where there are friendly counselors who help you discover your ABILITIES. Well, I guess the DVR is such a place. Perhaps I have not given my potential or my ability to break into a genuinely interesting profession a chance. What ever happened to wanting to be a sound engineer? There were other dreams I can not even think of as I write this. Not being able to remember the dreams is an indication that I have truly given up. And that is a bad thing.
You can always start over. Starting over has been the hallmark of my life. I suppose there is no shame in it when once there was.
My criticism of the disability system is that there is only a check. There is no meeting place where I can go where there are friendly counselors who help you discover your ABILITIES. Well, I guess the DVR is such a place. Perhaps I have not given my potential or my ability to break into a genuinely interesting profession a chance. What ever happened to wanting to be a sound engineer? There were other dreams I can not even think of as I write this. Not being able to remember the dreams is an indication that I have truly given up. And that is a bad thing.
You can always start over. Starting over has been the hallmark of my life. I suppose there is no shame in it when once there was.
Friday, January 15, 2010
I remember in my life when I felt the world move past me. It was like knowing that I could not keep up and they were all going places and experiencing thing I would never know. There is a specific feeling that goes along with these memories. I remember the first time I had it was when I was asked to read aloud in third grade. I still remember sitting there reading, but not as well as some of the others. The feeling was overwhelmingly and castrating. I actually felt my balls shrink in shame. It was a tingling sensation, a retreat a cowardice of sorts. But in fact it was shame because I knew I could do better if I only had the voice, the guts the intelligence. The next time this feeling fell upon me was when I was standing outside of a university campus in New York State. The buildings were impressive and elegant. I was sure many fascinating things were going on inside them. And I also knew I would never know the joys of those classed, those conversations and those people. I began to descend into depression. It was hard not only because I felt as though I was falling behind, forever lost in mediocrity but because I felt stupid. Not the kind of stupid "stupid" people feel - they usually are so ignorant that they do not know how stupid they truly are, but the kind of stupid you ARE aware of. And I new why. Being gay and in the closet most of my life has been a chore so monumental that it has robbed me of much of my potential in many areas of my life. It is no wonder I sank to the bottom right from grammar school. I was doomed and there was no help or hope for me. When you are in the closet you are challenged to an extent that the preoccupation with your sexuality and the shame of being found out along with problems it causes on many other levels. Basically the the energy we are required to spend sexuality related adaptation wastes so much of our time that we can no give our studies sports or social connections the focus or the attention they deserved. Hence, our lives are lived in mediocrity. Virtually all our up-time spent problem solving and adapting to society instead of conquering it.
The consequences of such things lead me straight to drugs in college and then to painful relationships that ended always in pain. I never had never developed skills to deal with people where it mattered. I have lived on superficial relationships as long as I can remember and now, at 54 years old, I find myself forgiving the past and myself for not understanding the degree to which I was challenged.
When a child has a condition in his life as powerful and important as sexuality where he can not go to his parents or teachers or to his minister with complete trust and confidence he is lost. I found myself completely responsible for my condition all alone, and I knew that would never change. An adaptation this large would have been difficult enough with therapy and support from family and society but to imagine the burden for a child to handle this taboo in 1963 (eleven years from being re-defined as NOT a mental illness) was and still is unimaginable. And so it has always been. There is no wonder why I have been alone most of my life. I am alone at this very minute as well. I do not know how to be with people for extended periods. I adapted heroically for the amount of recovery I have achieved. And yet, even though I have tasted life I never was able to sink my teeth into life. The reason is because quite often live bit back ... my inexperience brought with it problems that were bitterly sad, even tragic. And my world had collapsed time after time imploding with fear and sadness.
Now I look back trying to reconcile reading in third grade, standing in front of that university. I knew I was broken. And I knew I would never be whole in the way other people were. The problem appears to be that I had placed in front of myself an expectation that I "must become" someone that I am not. The goal was not specific. But the expectation was a reversal where I would tell myself that anything different from me would be good. Hence assigning myself a general label of undesirable ... just like everyone else in the world thought of me. I was forever in shame. This mistake sticks with me to this day. And I am sad to know that I am lived my life with this weight. This useless weight. Even today I look out at the world from my relatively secure place in the world and see that there is no place for me.
Still I try to adapt and to fit in. I try to make friends and to be whole, but I know that it is all in vain. I will never fit in and there will never be a place for me in the arms of a beautiful trusted partner. And I will never drive that Ferrari. Most of that is okay, except never having a partner.
We go most of our lives romanticizing what it would be like to be married or in love or to have a great boyfriend who we adore. That well has been poisoned to a degree that is can not ever be clean drinking water again. There are parts to our psyche that do not recover unless we attract the love of a person so very kind that they must have been a saint in a past life or just by sexual attraction we can keep a guy on a string. But that all comes at a price.
In my experience the people I have been involved with always had a reason to love me. Either it was the promise of gratification in terms of sex or if they were also broken the emotional support they craved or they just simply did not want to be alone. These kinds of people are not ready for relationships and should by definition be in therapy NOT in relationships. But then that was the only men I attracted. The broken, the beaten and the damned. And, of course, their interest would disperse as quickly as it came often leaving me devastated hurt and living at a level of self reproach far greater than before.
I never wanted to hate myself but it was too late as that train had long left the station. My education was ruined and my mind was a maze of knee jerk reactions and patchwork adaptations. To build a life on these things means you are not going to get much of a life at all. And that is how it has turned out. I do not have much of a life at all.
I still deal with ghosts from the past. Pathological lying pops up from time to time along with the reality of really scary things like when I got arrested, or got in deep with the internal revenue or other scary thing that happened.
Generally I can beat down depression, lying and take care of the legal stuff. But now I am 54 and I am getting tired. As much as I try I still do not have the necessary mitiv////
I stopped writing and did EFT Tapping on all the the issues above. I did three rounds of Emotional Freedom Technique. We will see how well they worked.
End.
The consequences of such things lead me straight to drugs in college and then to painful relationships that ended always in pain. I never had never developed skills to deal with people where it mattered. I have lived on superficial relationships as long as I can remember and now, at 54 years old, I find myself forgiving the past and myself for not understanding the degree to which I was challenged.
When a child has a condition in his life as powerful and important as sexuality where he can not go to his parents or teachers or to his minister with complete trust and confidence he is lost. I found myself completely responsible for my condition all alone, and I knew that would never change. An adaptation this large would have been difficult enough with therapy and support from family and society but to imagine the burden for a child to handle this taboo in 1963 (eleven years from being re-defined as NOT a mental illness) was and still is unimaginable. And so it has always been. There is no wonder why I have been alone most of my life. I am alone at this very minute as well. I do not know how to be with people for extended periods. I adapted heroically for the amount of recovery I have achieved. And yet, even though I have tasted life I never was able to sink my teeth into life. The reason is because quite often live bit back ... my inexperience brought with it problems that were bitterly sad, even tragic. And my world had collapsed time after time imploding with fear and sadness.
Now I look back trying to reconcile reading in third grade, standing in front of that university. I knew I was broken. And I knew I would never be whole in the way other people were. The problem appears to be that I had placed in front of myself an expectation that I "must become" someone that I am not. The goal was not specific. But the expectation was a reversal where I would tell myself that anything different from me would be good. Hence assigning myself a general label of undesirable ... just like everyone else in the world thought of me. I was forever in shame. This mistake sticks with me to this day. And I am sad to know that I am lived my life with this weight. This useless weight. Even today I look out at the world from my relatively secure place in the world and see that there is no place for me.
Still I try to adapt and to fit in. I try to make friends and to be whole, but I know that it is all in vain. I will never fit in and there will never be a place for me in the arms of a beautiful trusted partner. And I will never drive that Ferrari. Most of that is okay, except never having a partner.
We go most of our lives romanticizing what it would be like to be married or in love or to have a great boyfriend who we adore. That well has been poisoned to a degree that is can not ever be clean drinking water again. There are parts to our psyche that do not recover unless we attract the love of a person so very kind that they must have been a saint in a past life or just by sexual attraction we can keep a guy on a string. But that all comes at a price.
In my experience the people I have been involved with always had a reason to love me. Either it was the promise of gratification in terms of sex or if they were also broken the emotional support they craved or they just simply did not want to be alone. These kinds of people are not ready for relationships and should by definition be in therapy NOT in relationships. But then that was the only men I attracted. The broken, the beaten and the damned. And, of course, their interest would disperse as quickly as it came often leaving me devastated hurt and living at a level of self reproach far greater than before.
I never wanted to hate myself but it was too late as that train had long left the station. My education was ruined and my mind was a maze of knee jerk reactions and patchwork adaptations. To build a life on these things means you are not going to get much of a life at all. And that is how it has turned out. I do not have much of a life at all.
I still deal with ghosts from the past. Pathological lying pops up from time to time along with the reality of really scary things like when I got arrested, or got in deep with the internal revenue or other scary thing that happened.
Generally I can beat down depression, lying and take care of the legal stuff. But now I am 54 and I am getting tired. As much as I try I still do not have the necessary mitiv////
I stopped writing and did EFT Tapping on all the the issues above. I did three rounds of Emotional Freedom Technique. We will see how well they worked.
End.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Poem about being gay in this lifetime.
In my dreams
There is a man
Who none of you
Can understand
One by one is
Taken away
The loving thoughts
We have each day
Replaced with fear
And lust and hate
Love shrinks into a small
And unholy place
Trust has vanished
Between our eyes
Gone from our hearts
Replaced by lies
I tried to find it
My search persisted
All these years
It never existed
Innocence was
And has gone away
To black and white dreams
Distant and gray
In reincarnation
The bet that is best
For love in this lifetime
Not for me but for the best
There is a man
Who none of you
Can understand
One by one is
Taken away
The loving thoughts
We have each day
Replaced with fear
And lust and hate
Love shrinks into a small
And unholy place
Trust has vanished
Between our eyes
Gone from our hearts
Replaced by lies
I tried to find it
My search persisted
All these years
It never existed
Innocence was
And has gone away
To black and white dreams
Distant and gray
In reincarnation
The bet that is best
For love in this lifetime
Not for me but for the best