Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It is so hard when I see a truly beautiful man like the guy who always sits in the same seat at the Urban Grind coffee house.  He's so lovely I can hardly stand it.  But he is out of my league and even though I do muster a smile from him from time to time I am certain he would not want to date me.  I am depressed tonight.  Feeling the weight of the world.  Even just cleaning this house is ten times harder than it should be, but that is how depression works.  I don't want to move once I am home so I probably need to spend more time outside moving my body and getting my blood moving.  I don't want to be that "loser guy" that is always seen on his bike at the same place and same time or at the same coffee house doing the same thing.  And I don't want to be that mysterious guy seen out in public with too much time - clearly not working and judged as odd or clearly on disability or "retired."  And then I think why should I care what people think?  Am I concerned with non-existent thoughts people have?  I can hang out where ever I want.  It is my life and I seriously doubt people notice me or judge me in this way.  Quite often I want to please society even when there is nobody observing what it is that I am doing to please them.  This is a recent realization.  Depression works that way.  Making cell phone calls to "nobody" is a meditation in who I would like to become, talking to people about important issues and making up scenarios that might have been if I had not experienced the traumas and succumbed to depression and the poverty mentality one develops when one does not have to work "to survive" when disability income takes away the recurring eminent threat of poverty or homelessness.

What ever the situation, and who ever I am "being" any given day at any given time is my business.  I can do what ever I please.  Freedom is far more available that I think.  Quite often I imprison myself by simply being lazy or by allowing low-self-worth to stop me from demanding better for myself. The prison is in my mind.  That is why, when I change my outlook by laying in the sun I think more in terms of possibility than when I remain in regular habits like staying indoors and watching TV or playing on the computer.  The shifts are small but significant when I am inspired by sunshine grass and doing yoga outside in my back yard.  I have time and the luxury of privacy and no commitments to any one person, no live-in lover for whom I am responsible.  So life "is good" from this perspective.  I have made choices based on my personality preferences and tolerances.  If I can't tolerate the daily drama in the life of a person with whom I am living then I should not be living with people.  My experience and expertise managing an intimate relationship is limited.  (break)

It is not okay allow myself the self indulgent luxury to deny opportunity based on depression, false depression or the excuse "I am depressed."  It becomes a catch all excuse for bad behavior that is quickly dismissed not only by me myself but also by therapists.  They don't catch the caper.  The don't nail the con artist.  And they do not hold me accountable.  In truth I am the only one who can change my habits goals and directives.  I am the only one who can hold myself accountable to be responsive to the opportunities that present themselves.  The world is truly "my oyster" but I must get out the oyster knife, put on heavy gloves and pry the oyster open.  It only opens on its own in beautiful dreams and in the movies.  In reality you have to pry the sucker open and take the pearl out after a messy thrashing to get it open.


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