Sunday, January 24, 2010

Continued Personal Education

My jaw is clicking and my truth telling is waning. I need to get a life. Lying to your therapist is the height of stupidity. But also to be fair I am rather sick of her naivete and her lack of modern training. So yes telling your therapist that you are working the system is one thing but knowing why is quite another. The fears and anxieties I dealt with in my life can not be diminished. Not in my mind and should not be diminished in the mind of therapists or people who you share these very sensitive moments with. It is without a doubt an area of self deception that you need to keep a close eye on because, as you know, you are sometimes the first to beat yourself up for being a scam artist when in fact you simply did what you needed to do to survive. I will never know if I might have made it in the real world if I had not taken disability and housing vouchers. My life had been good and stable since I did. So what is the complaint? Did you think trading stability for the risks involved with the real world of job-keeping rent-paying and risk taking would have been worth the risk? I suppose it might have been but I can not see the probable future that might have been if I made those choices. And yet the melancholy that appears in my mind when I dream about what might have been haunts me and my conscience. It makes for a feeling of mediocrity and I suffer the fate of a man who never pushed himself to be his absolute best. I also suffer the fate of a man who gave up trying.

My criticism of the disability system is that there is only a check. There is no meeting place where I can go where there are friendly counselors who help you discover your ABILITIES. Well, I guess the DVR is such a place. Perhaps I have not given my potential or my ability to break into a genuinely interesting profession a chance. What ever happened to wanting to be a sound engineer? There were other dreams I can not even think of as I write this. Not being able to remember the dreams is an indication that I have truly given up. And that is a bad thing.

You can always start over. Starting over has been the hallmark of my life. I suppose there is no shame in it when once there was.

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