Saturday, June 6, 2009

Scribbles and thoughts of drugs and genuine progress...

It is a strange time when depression leaves very little energy for much of anything. When depression speaks it says "There are few real people in this world who understand or wish to understand me. I am alone in my heart and in my mind. I am happiest there with people shut out the quiet preferred over the chatter of people scrambling for words that say something to validate their meaningless existence." This is how great and powerful the disease behind the curtain can be. But in truth, like OZ it is just a little man no different than anybody. So depression is and so it should be treated.

Understanding creation is a big job. Having been blessed with a mind that enjoys ignorance while at the same time works toward more noble pursuits of truth and cosmic reality is clearly unnatural. But I have been dealing with these contrasts since I was 17. Transcendental Meditation, the study of the Seth Material and other spiritual books have brought me to a place where I see enough growth to know how very little I have actually grown. Now I have discovered acupuncture meridians and working with feelings via ETF or "Tapping" / Releasing negative emotions forever, a very big claim that is likely too good to be true is my current focus on growth, release of potential addictions and ill feelings allusions and behaviors. But something has to replace big pharma. For they will take your life as quickly as the drug dealer on the corner. Let us not deceive ourselves.

We have an anxiety disorder in this family. It is genetic. It leads to substance abuse in most of us. Some hang on. I did for 25 years. Essentially sober from 27 to 51 years old. I have recently experimented with Xanax to relieve anxiety and emotional pain. It works well but it makes me clumsy and a bit lazy in that I am so relaxed I do not force activity and growth in favor of the relaxed bliss of the enjoyable days without painful worry, real and imaginary threats and emotions.

I know I am just masking the symptoms best dealt with cognitively while not directly confronting them. I have been ensnared in a mentality that pills bring permanent relief when I know full well that strength through awareness is the key. Our prescription drug culture is so very effective and yet falls short of any legitimate healing. So we must summon the strength from within, charge the gates and force our growth, painful though it may be in sobriety. Certainly there will be moments when we make exceptions out of compassion for our selves, but where do we firmly draw that line?

To remain anxiety riddled through very bad times like during a break up or after a death of a friend is foolish. Not to medicate can, at times be as foolish as taking Xanax because you are painfully stricken with boredom.

In there lies the challenge. “Love yourself” they say. Why asks depression: "Why should I love myself when I disapprove of my own behavior? Love is earned at any level. I just walk around in this body numb and feeling like a victim, disenfranchised most the time. Depression I suppose, I am used to it. I do not expect anyone to love me though I am glad when they do but I do not invest in myself or commit to people much anymore. Again depression I suppose. I have never been able to get a quality man to love me “enough” to be comfortable in a relationship. So why should I respect myself more than is necessary to provide the survival comforts and basic needs for myself from now until I pass on. Certainly self-respect is based upon track record. Certainly I must care a sufficient amount not to damage myself. Certainly I must love myself enough not to damage my psyche. But self respect comes from a lifetime of tests and lessons that can be best described as Buddhist Koans found in Zen poems and literature. I respect my thoughts and morals enough. I don’t plot to hurt steal or swindle anybody really. I would not be able to take the guilt if I did. I know that others do not feel the same. I feel good when I help others and I am still learning about what it means to give and to take. But I do not appear to have the ambition or drive to add to my world in remarkable new and interesting ways. Or do I? Inspiration and muse is a luxury for the rich, the indomitably happy and the undamaged zeal of youth. For old gays in their fifties with little money and fading sex appeal we are left to, at best, our imagination and at worst the genetic betrayal that is out legacy." As this diatribe of mind-talk takes possession of your soul it makes a good argument that is as counterproductive as suicide. Depression, like any self deceptive concoction of ideas scrambles to make sense while it takes your time and your life.

Regardless of how depressed, morbid or locked away in emotional storage we become; regardless of the circumstances, habits, morals and internal drive we might have we have got to maintain a high standard of living. No mansion or sports car, can satisfy us like positive thinking, clean good thoughts backed up by sobriety and clean living. A solid understanding of human behavior and self awareness is also useful. This understanding comes about in small epiphanies. They occur often when we vanquish the problems of daily life through the spiritual exercises provided by our dear friend reality. These lessons can not deliver their full effect when we are drugged with psycho-active agents. They do not improve your nervous system brain function or spiritual lives. They do not improve our understanding or enhance general consciousness. Drugs and tranquilizers do not add meaning they prevent feeling. Using them to block trauma temporarily is a difficult decision while we balance growth with psychological protection. Until we can deal with reality and adapt to the unexpected in daily life without drugs we hamper our growth. Hence our energy should be directed at diet and exercise as well as meditation massage, study and a strong effort to remain focused on deliberate diligent work. Drugs slow progress even when they are not abused. Even when they are used judiciously they can curb or abbreviate our life experience. This is particularly evident in the use of opiates and Marijuana. I suppose the bottom line question is: Do you want to rust out or do you want to wear out? The answer to which has many probable futures attached. I suppose that is my first original Koan.

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